A Cause of Death Christmas!
by The Beautiful Filth
Summary: What will happen when Captain Charles Anders spends a Christmas day with a bunch of crazy colleagues in SFPD?


**Disclaimer: I do not own Cause of Death (by EA).**

"Gosh, this weather is insufferable," Captain Charles Anders stomps into the SFPD precinct after parking his car in the car park, tripping over his crimson, too-long scarf that belongs to his wife and stepping on his new snow boots. His eyes widens when he feels his phone vibrate against his pocket, but he can't recognize the ringtone. Instead of his usual ring, it becomes the distinct melody of "Joy To The World".

"What the hell?" he bellows, before answering the call from a private number.

"Anders."

"Have fun at work today," the voice murmurs, and the line went dead.

Anders can't believe his luck. It's Christmas, and he has to be on duty for the sake of safety of every San Francisco citizen. He sacrifices his day with his family and turkey preparation just for work, and he is expecting a peaceful day when he can finish his work pronto and head home, not some kind of pranksters calling him and telling him to "have fun".

* * *

Literally fuming with smoke coming out of his ears, Charles stalks into the pantry. He grabs the jar of some brown-black powder labelled as "COFFEE POWDER OF C. ANDERS" and pour more than the usual amount into the coffee brewer.

All of a sudden, the coffee brewer protests to Anders through an animalistic sound that it is about to die due to maltreatment. Muttering, Anders removes the filter from the brewer to clean off some of the residue in the filter. Re-installing the filter into the brewer, he turns the brewer on again. Within minutes, a cup of brown, warm drink is ready to be served.

Pouring out a cup of Americano - or he thinks it is Americano - out of the brewer. "Gosh!" he grumbles, taking a sip of the beverage -

"Shoot!" he spits out the drink, swearing for another hundred times. "Who replaced my coffee powder with cocoa powder?"

"Boom ba-boom bum!" Kai jumps out of the cabinet beneath Anders, making him jump and spill the drink all over the poor forensic tech. "Sorry Captain SmileyFace! I didn't know I put my cacao into your coffee jar! Should I add some more salt to your coffee jar? That covers the sweet taste of cocoa really well! Or if you wish, I could add some marshmallows..."

He is silenced by a strict command from a fuming Anders: "Technician Kalaba, out. Now."

Kai ducks his head, muttering something about "grumpy old men" and "evil smiley face" under his breath while making his escape.

Dunking his mug of "coffee," into the sink, Anders shake his head in disbelief. "Kids nowadays, ugh. They're so immature! Do they know they're calling the captain of SFPD?" He mutters, and almost faints at the sight of all officers.

No, they aren't officers - they're heavily bearded people with blue officer uniform and green Santa hats. Oddly resembling Santa Claus, they face the pantry of the precinct, where a flabbergasted Captain Charles Anders stands.

"GUYS! What happened to this precinct? This uniform is hardly proper for work! Change back to your normal uniform!" Unable to hold in his anger any longer, he storms out of the pantry, almost knocking the water cooler over, and grabs the nearest officer by the collar.

"What. Happened. To. This. Precinct." He shakes poor Joe Bartaurgh, who is the unfortunate one standing within his reach. Joe's beard trembles and falls under the force of Anders' shaking, and the cotton wool that Joe spent an hour pasting on his face now lies on the floor, covering Anders' and his feet.

"Anders, don't be a spoil sport. We knew you didn't want to go to work today, so we all tried to lighten up the mood... But apparently it annoys you more," Officer Anna Willis stands up behind Anders and yanks him by the shoulder, making him take Joe down with him.

And as expected, Anders and Joe now lie on the ground in an extremely compromising position.

"What- Don't move!" Another man's voice is heard in the surrounding, belonging to Detective Jeremy Redbird. Being the sniper as usual, he has a .17 pistol fixed on his wrist, aimed at Anders' forehead.

"Move and I'll shoot!" Jeremy shouted.

Anders clamps his eyes shut, unable to take in the scene in front of himself. He thought he had had his fair share of misfortune when he stepped into the precinct, but now everyone is playing tricks on him!

_Snap!_

Everyone freezes after hearing the camera shutter, and a voice that belongs to a man in his mid-thirties resonates throughout the precinct.

"Well, well, if it isn't our lovely Captain Anders!"

It has to be Mal's voice. After all, who in this precinct speaks with this lovely sarcasm? Here he stands, holding a Nikon D-3000 camera in his hand, aiming the lenses on the men that are lying on the ground in an extremely compromising position.

"I guess I know why you're in here working today after all, Captain. You can only meet your lover now in the precinct!" Blaise calls out from nowhere, earning a hard and dirty glare from Anders.

Somehow, Mal disappears into thin air, rendering Anders' clenched fist futile. Anders originally wants to punch Mal square in the jaw regardless of consequences that he sure will get into thanks to the IA, but it seems that he can't do anything except hearing his own knuckles crack in fury.

Joe stands up from the ground, kneeing Anders in the shin in the process. "I guess it's too bad that I don't return the favor, no? Sorry, but I'm not homosexual, Captain; but -"

He is swiftly cut off by Anders, who simply shrieks, "EVERYONE. GET BACK TO YOUR WORK. Oh and Detective Corso? Meet me in my office."

Anders walks to the door of his office, huffing in silent indignation, with Blaise trailing behind him laughing at some silent jokes.

"Please follow me, Det- What the hell?" Anders splutters, as he surveys the changes made to his office. No, that can't be called an office - it's a modernized version of a manger in which Jesus Christ was born in. The walls, originally covered in wallpaper with woody patterns, is adorned with fake lush trees, with the artificial leaves hanging on the wall and almost scraping Anders' bare forehead. The white ceiling is no longer white - it is covered with an indigo cloth, with a golden grenade shell swaying right on top of the "manger".

The floor, instead of covered by the black, warm carpeting, is now carpeted with hay, giving a rather unpleasant scraping sound whenever Anders' boots make contact with the ground in an offended stomp. The manger, unconventionally, is Anders' desk turned upside down, with the drawers pulled out as some sorts of stands and teddy bears, gold, bathing oil and cologne put on top.

"Lovely baby, ooh. Look at mama!" The unmistakable voice of Malachi Charles Fallon is heard from a figure clad in a tux. Next to him is a lady, clothed in a purple hospital robe, holding onto a small child that has olive skin, dirty blonde infant hair and sparkling blue eyes.

"Daddy, don't spoil her like that! She needs rest!" another woman's voice is heard in the "manger", and he is more than astonished to find the voice coming from Agent Natara Williams.

"Oh, here comes the man of the hour! Sir, you must be here while following the direction of the golden grenade, no? And here is a young lady too! What's your name, and what brings you here with this gentleman?"

The blonde woman, Blaise, chuckles. "Drop the formalities, Fallon. You know damn well why we're here."

"Language!" Natara chides.

Having recovered from the initial shock of seeing his office decorated into a manger, Captain Anders instantly bellows, "Guys! What on earth are you guys playing? What kind of trick is this? This is hilarious!"

"Captain, we were just reenacting the scene when Jesus was born... You know, many people have forgotten about the origin of this festival, so we thought: why not start within our friends and families?" Blaise said gleefully.

Natara cut in. "With all due respect, Captain Anders, you should be honored that we treat you as a friend."

This gets him crack into a smile. "Good play on words, Agent Williams. Now, clean up these mess and give me back my office. I'll be using Detective Fallon's bullpen for the moment."

"Hey! Get out of my goddamn bullpen!" Mal yells after him.

Amy, on the other hand, is laughing like crazy after hearing what happens in the precinct through the telecom. And yes, she, the data analyst, is the one who changed Anders' ringtone.

Just as Mal speeds out of the office after Captain Anders, he bumps into someone in red with cotton wool stuck around his wrists. Taking a closer look, he realizes that _the_ someone is not anybody - it is the very essence of Christmas, Santa Claus - but who would pretend to be a Santa Claus in SFPD?

"Merry Christmas!" The Santa Claus, whose voice belongs unmistakably to Lieutenant Maria Yeong, hollers. "I've got presents for each and every one of you!"

"Thanks, Maria!" The detectives and officers, more than ecstatic to see their former loving and amiable captain, rush over to her.

"Guys! I know I'm retired, but old women like me aren't that rich... So I'm only giving out homemade chocolates, and one person will get the special prize!" Maria announces, pouring out the bundle of treats onto the nearest table - which happens to be Anna's. She is angry that her desk is crowded over, but decides to let it slide when she sees everyone's happy faces.

"Open your gift packs! Now!" With Maria's joyful voice, everyone opens their bags of chocolate - or rather, everyone but Anders had chocolate in his hands.

"What? What on earth is this crap? It smells like..."

"Poo, I know, Anders. You're quite right; this is horse poo. I'm surprised that you couldn't tell the difference in color... I'll have to consider reporting this to the IA about your incompetence, sir," Maria tries her best to hold in her laughter.

This is it. The tolerance of Captain Charles Anders has exceeded the limit. Slamming the bag of... Excretory products onto the desk, he huffs indignantly. "Fine. You guys are impossible."

With this, he turns and stomps out of the precinct, leaving everyone doubling over in laughter.

Amist waves of hysterical laughter, Mal calls after Anders' retreating figure.

"Oh Anders? I think you've left your bag of horse poo here."

* * *

**So... that's it! Merry Christmas everyone xx I know I should be updating Metamorphosis but... I'm. So. Stuck. I've got the rest planned out, and I'm glad to announce that it'll consist of 6 chapters and 1 epilogue in total :D Hopefully I'll have the next chapter updated within winter break. Until next time!**

**And as usual, I love reviews :D /waggles eyebrows/**


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